3rd round of sickness and cooped up craziness

Mostly due to stress I am sure... this has been the worst fall/winter for sickness! I am seriously on my 3rd round of this awful crap. I don't want to make this post about whining or being a martyr because I'm a single mom. But man its hard being sick and having no one to help with things... I know there are a bunch of my friends who feel the same way because their husbands work out of town.

So ladies as hard as it may be this being my 3rd round I've finally had to let it go... let the housework go...let the laundry go... my kids are with their dad this weekend so I've done nearly nothing but sit on my butt and watch netflix, drink water and take vitamins...oh and a new thing I'm trying Cayenne tablets and thanks to my friend Ximena... ramen noodles with garlic... We will see after 24 hours if any of it worked =)

It's been 24 hours I'm cooped up...I'm staring at my Christmas decorations and completely dead tree and wondering if I should just get up and put that crap away ...but no I am DETERMINED...to sit here and do nothing AHHHHHH Ok I did sneak out I admit to get oranges and do a super quick interior re-design consult....but that's it ;) I'm glad I did the consult because now with Army Wives marathon on in the background and my puppy Max curled up beside me... I am on Pinterest creating a board for the kids salon I'm decorating.

So I don't even know where this post is going I just knew I'm going a little nuts...sick of being sick and feeling crazy because it's taking all my will power to be LAZY and get well... and I still have one more day to do it before I get to see my babies again.

So what are your tips for getting well, staying well and forcing yourself to be lazy? Am I the only one who has a hard time slowing down?

<3 and rest to all of you ... Karissa

How to handle your newly divorced friends... Or at least me =)

This has been riding on my mind for awhile and after yet another conversation with a married friend the other evening here goes.

Just because I am now without a husband does NOT mean I can't function around married couples.

Let me elaborate... I'm sure this goes for widows, divorced, break-ups and also in this economy "widows" those wives of deployed husbands or husbands working out of town constantly...

Please I say this on behalf of us all... INVITE us to events, gatherings, parties, dinner ANYTHING... its totally fine for us to be around married people even if we aren't anymore or our husband can't make it... In fact we feel sad, left out and just plain awkward when we don't go... I would say in fact it's VITAL to us feeling normal and going on with life.

I'm still perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation with married adults and no I'm not going to hit on your husband LOL...I say this because I've had a circle of friends and church family that I've known for 10 years... I STILL want to be your friends even if I no longer have a husband... That's why I still attend the "young marrieds" class and activities... because you see even though my marital status has changed. I still NEED you guys... I still need to hear about your kids...your lives and your marriages.

Now one friend pointed out that maybe its YOU that feels awkward as a married person... what do I say, act, do for someone who's divorced... Treat us NORMAL... we aren't going to crumble or fall into a pile of tears if you kiss your husband in front of us or talk about how happy you are in your marriage... I am surprised and happy at how incredibly HAPPY I am for those in a happy relationship...

It gives me hope and strength to know that it IS possible =) So PLEASE talk about how your husband is amazing or your wife is hot! It doesn't bother me or make me feel sorry for myself... quite the opposite in fact... it give me hope that out there... REAL...TRUE ... HONORABLE... Love exists and perhaps even for me again some day =)

So your wondering what you can do to help us through this transition... treat us normal... be a phone call away for us and continue to be our friend and share your life... we miss feeling normal...

Love Me... Divorced...Mom...

New Home...Fresh Start...Healing Hearts

Well we have moved... the kids and I although they do tend to call it "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" ...I try to let them know that it is their homes... two homes...two rooms... Whenever I have moved into a new home I unpack as quick as I can... and this time was no different but I feel it was different because it was MY decision where everything went... I did most of the work with a help of some wonderful girlfriends and a couple great guy friends. I didn't have to ask anyone else their opinion or permission I just did it. This is the first time in my entire life I have had that. I lived in my parents home until the day I married Aaron. Now just over 10 years later. I am for the first time a single adult...on my own making all the decisions for ME. Its fun...its exciting...its freeing..its even at times scary. I wondered if when I finally had this place to call my very own if I would be lonely on the nights and weekends the kids aren't here... So far I've been too busy making this house our home to feel too lonely... I love my new home... it's perfect for us. 3 bedrooms, 2 bath a great bonus room which is the boys room and the spare room is my space to create. It's very close to our old house which Aaron stayed in. So its nice that the kids have just a short distance between parents and all they have to bring back and forth is their blankies and Jake our doggy =) I think we are adjusting to this transition. Everyone sleeps well at night although Klayton just told me "I hate going to bed" Haha yeah little buddy me too =) We did manage to get pictures taken all as one family one last time... Lots of pictures of the kids and then each parent with the kids and at Soleil's request one last family photo for her room. A friend of mine a child of a restructured family... told me it was important to her to have that picture because no matter if her parents were married or not...everyone in that photo was still HER family. I think it is great that we can do what we desire with restructuring our family... it doesn't have to be hateful and horrible (even though believe me there have been moments)... we don't have to do or not do things just because others may think it odd or awkward... WE get to decide... So if you are on My Christmas card list and this year there is one less person... He's not gone...he's not deserted us... He's on another Christmas card with our three beautiful kids... and we are doing our best to love and protect their little hearts one day at a time...

Schools Out! What to do now?

This is the 2nd summer since Soleil started school and last year we started the tradition of sitting down and making a list of things we want to do during summer vacation. If you are like me I really don't want to spend the summer inside watching countless hours of television or playing the Wii... we have had plenty of that all winter. The sun is out and it's time to play! We set a couple ground rules. We can do one paid activity per week and the rest have to be free. We will spend at least one day per week not going anywhere outside our yard. So here is our list so far and we will add to it as we think up new ideas. Now we are very blessed to have a big yard and a pool of our own so this helps a lot and we try to have friends over a lot to share in our pool fun. My kids are 7, 4 and 3 and are able to participate in all of these activities. Summer Fun List- Roaring Springs (probably only once per month or summer since we have a pool)- Settlers or some other fun park (Settlers has a splash pad) We will also take a picnic with us.= Hike at Camels back park or to Table Rock - Saturday market down town - Bowling (kidsbowlforfree.com) Pay only for shoe rental - Edwards summer movies ($1 per person) Regal Theaters across the US - Library Summer Reading program - Play dates with our friends (I had her make a list of friends so we wouldn't miss out)- Chalk Art on our court yard - Play in our sand pile (it's not a box haha just a pile of sand)- Mommy/daughter dates - Mommy/son dates - Of course swimming in our pool pretty much daily - Arts and Craft time - Walk on the green belt - Water balloon fight - Boise Aquarium - Boise Zoo - I also want to make a day trip up to Mccall to spend a day playing on the beach at the lake - If you have any fun ideas for summer PLEASE share! Hope this gives you some inspiration!

Bitter or Better... It's Up to Me...

As I go through this transition in my life and the roller coaster of emotions continue, it's easy to feel bitter, angry, betrayed and much more. I'm sure it's not just me in my particular situation it's you too ... I mean come one we can ALL easily get into a "poor me" attitude... sit on the pitty pot or complain about the "cards we were dealt." I'm not saying it's not normal to feel this way and to fall into the pit of bitterness...I struggle daily. I feel very sad when I see those around me actually making serious life choices due to bitterness. Bitterness about the way they were raised, the church they went to, the way they were treated by so called friends, betrayed by a spouse...so many more. I hear them say "I'm going to do such and such because that will show so and so" and I am sure I have been guilty as well. So I want all of us to stop and think the next time one of these bitter statements comes out of our mouth... Stop just stop! Why oh why do we allow our anger and bitterness to allow us to be so affected that we make MAJOR life decisions just to spite "them." Life choices in my opinion that should be made because they are things that WE choose to do because WE want to do it not because of our anger towards someone else. Not because we NEED to prove to them that we are better than they have treated us. Because in the end the only person we are hurting is ourselves. Someone once told me that each day we waste letting someone get us stirred up and angry is one less day we have to be happy and free... because life is really too short to let them take up any space in our emotions. I mean what a waste! You know what I really want? I want to be better... not better than another person but BETTER than bitterness...BETTER than hatred...BETTER than anger... I want to rise above the muck of my past and my pitty party feelings and LIVE. I want to make a pact with myself to be BETTER each and every day and instead of pouting about having a "ruined life" go on and live victoriously and courageously. To know that the past is the past ...to let it go... put it behind me and KNOW that I can be truly happy despite my mistakes and the what "they" have done to me. I know I will still struggle and still fail, but just acknowledging these feelings encourages me to get up and start every day brand new. So Bitter or Better...it's up to you...

Guest Post: "If Not For Grace"

This is the amazing story of my dear friend Bobbi... I hope it brings you some glimpse of how great God is. If Not For Grace Years ago, I was visiting a friend and I made a comment to her about how beautiful her houseplants were. She then offered to share a couple of starts with me and although I’d never had a green thumb or really cared much for houseplants, I accepted her offer and took the starts home. At first, I attended to my new plants carefully to see that they had the proper light, temperature, water, and fertilizer. But after a while, I began to neglect my plants, forgetting to water them and then over watering later to compensate. It didn’t take long before the plants began to show evidence of neglect; browning leaves, sagging vines, just an overall look of poor health and obvious need for attention. I eventually decided that I didn’t have the devotion or desire to tend to houseplants and I passed them on to someone else. After a few weeks of TLC, under their new owner, the plants quickly revived and became beautiful again. I was thinking about those plants the other day and how they are kind of a picture of marriage. In the beginning, we put a lot of time and effort into our marriage, but as the years pass by, kids come, bills are due, careers progress, and the stress of many responsibilities loom overhead. Those responsibilities can quickly become our top priority and inevitably the marriage relationship may begin to weaken and show neglect. When we stop nourishing our marriage and giving each other the proper time and attention to keep the relationship healthy and strong, it starts to wither and parts can actually die. The good thing is, just like my plants, with proper care and attention, a marriage can come back to life, begin to thrive again, and regain the health it once had. As a matter of fact, it can be better than it ever was, continue to grow and become stronger and more beautiful in the years to come. That is what happened to us… After years of neglect and lack of effort to put the necessary time and attention into our relationship, our marriage died. At some point, about 17 years into the marriage, I did just as I had done with my house plants…I made the decision that I no longer had the devotion or desire to put forth the effort to keep it alive and I quit trying. Over the next two years, we spent many hours in counseling and went back and forth from separation to trying to work things out, but to no avail. I wanted out of the marriage, from what I considered to be a life of bondage, and I saw singleness as freedom. My mind was made up and no amount of counseling in the world was going to change it at that point. I felt unappreciated at home as a wife and mother and thought that there was more fulfillment offered to me out in the working world than what I was getting as a homemaker. I was under the delusion that I deserved better and I could find someone out there who would make me happier than my husband did. So, in December of 2009, I filed for divorce and it was finalized in February of 2010. In the months that followed, I found out that divorce is not as glamorous as they make it look in Hollywood and being single is not the ticket to freedom or happiness that I thought it was either. I could in no way estimate the degree or at what level divorce would affect and change every aspect of my life, or the affect it would have on our children, family, friends, and even church. I didn’t anticipate the depths of loneliness that I would experience…even when I was surrounded by friends and family…there was an awkwardness and void without Rich there. I didn’t realize how much he completed me until he was not there anymore and I never consciously thought about how much I depended on him until the one person I always turned to for everything was gone. I never considered the feeling of gloom I would experience when I came home from work to a silent, empty house when the kids were away for the weekend visits at Daddy’s house. No one could have prepared me for the way my heart would break every time one of my kids called their dad at work to ask him to come over for any and every little reason they could think of because they missed him so much. I was not prepared for the pain I would see in my children’s eyes as they tried to cope with not just the loss of one parent, but essentially two, when the life they formerly knew where mom stayed home with them all day, was replaced by hours of them picking up the slack to care for the home and their siblings while mom went back to work and school because I choose to pursue my own fulfillment above their needs. I was not prepared for the way my friendships would change and that social gatherings with former family members would cease to exist…that some people who I truly loved and cared about would no longer be part of my life as a result of me walking away from my marriage. I was lying to myself in thinking that I deserved better or could find another man who would love Rich’s children as much or more than he did. I didn’t know until I was single that very few men would be as interested in my heart as they were in my body or that honesty and integrity are forgotten virtues among many. As my eyes began to open to the truth of all of this reality, I knew that I had made a huge mistake by choosing divorce, but I was too proud to admit it. During the time we were divorced, Rich still held on to the hope and faith that we would get back together someday. He prayed and read more than he had in his entire life and focused on changing himself, while he also worked tirelessly to win my heart back in the meantime. He constantly bought me gifts, asked me out on dates, gave me more money than he was required to for child support (even if it meant he went without), and was always willing to help me with anything I needed. He texted me every morning to say "I love you sweetheart" and although I didn't responded with an "I love you" back, he never stopped telling me anyway. We often took long walks and bike rides together during those times and although we argued a lot...in doing so, we were unwittingly working through nearly twenty years of baggage and junk that we had swept under the carpet and refused to deal with during the marriage. We learned how to really communicate with each other, he learned how to talk to me instead of shutting me out, and I learned to be quiet, calm down, and listen to him. In hindsight, the irony is, we felt a sense of comfort in the fact that there was no longer pressure from outside sources to be fixing the marriage because it was already over, yet we didn't even realize that's exactly what we were doing the whole time. Rich worked on his relationship with the kids during that time too. He took time to go places and do stuff with them and have fun instead of working such long hours. His priorities changed drastically when instead of focusing on bringing home a bigger paycheck, he took advantage of every opportunity to spend time with his kids. They had a lot of fun going on hikes in the hills and fishing together and they built a strong relationship with each other that had been lacking over the years when his focus was more on his job than the family. During that period of time, I also met another man and had a brief relationship which resulted in a pregnancy. I was totally devastated and ashamed over what I had done, but God in his mercy used that situation to get a hold of my heart and turn it back to Him. Today I am thankful to say that the Lord used that pregnancy and Rich’s undying love to humble me and bring me to a place of repentance. During those months, Rich stayed by my side through every single moment. He took care of me and the kids while I was ill and gave me his shoulder to soak with my tears over and over again. Slowly, God softened my heart toward Rich and brought me to a place where I was willing to admit the truth that, among many other things, I had given up a wonderful man who loved me and our kids more than anyone else, and who was willing to work hard to provide for us so that I could stay home to raise our children as a homeschool mom. The notion I could do better, was missing out, or would be more fulfilled and appreciated in the working world was a gross misconception of reality. Indeed I found out that what I viewed as bondage in the job of a wife and homemaker, was in fact freedom, safety, peace, love, and more blessings than I ever deserved. As a result, by the grace of God, after being divorced for eight months, Rich and I were remarried in October of 2010.

I can honestly say I’m thankful for the lessons I've learned, but with those lessons come many consequences for the choices I've made.The result of my sin will continue to affect our family and those around us for generations to come. Our God is a God of mercy and longsuffering, but He is also a very just God and He does hold His children accountable for the choices they make contrary to His will. As my Pastor has said many times…sin will take you further than you plan to stray, keep you longer than you intend to stay, and cost more than you can afford to pay. Where would I be You only know I'm Glad You see through eyes of love A hopeless case, an empty place If not for Grace... I will sing of the mercies of the Lord for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 89:1 Check out Bobbi's Blog at: http://bcuningham74.blogspot.com

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Traffic Tickets...Car Accidents... Just Call Me Target!

Ok so I must preface this post by saying this is all in FUN... OK so if your panties get all twisted in a bunch and you want to rant on about how great officers are then well... this all in FUN so CHILL! ;)

So ever since I moved to Idaho nearly 10 years ago I have lived in Canyon County. In June we moved into Ada County. Up until 2006 I had NEVER received any sort of traffic ticket. Yes I'd been pulled over a few times for headlight out, etc...but always with a minor warning. (I guess Montana cops are just nicer ;)

In 2006 I found myself speeding along the freeway and whoops... my first ticket ever at the age of 24. Not 1 week later... rushing ironically to the bank to get my drivers license (that they had forgotten to return to me)I got slapped with another ticket. ROTTEN I tell ya... geez...

2006 was also the first serious car wreck... rear-ended at a dead stop by a car full of teenagers 2 of which left lovely head rings on the windshield... due to not wearing set belts. Fast forward 1 year and 1 day later (weird I know) BAM! Hit by an illegal immigrant, with no insurance and an expired Mexico drivers license... OOOO it gets better... I manage to make it 1 year and 6 months and then while 8 months pregnant I get rear-ended yet again! At this point my friends all joked I needed to get "Target" put on my license plate or "just aim here" with arrows pointing to an actual target on my cars rear... I have a fabulous insurance company, Geico and they really helped getting everything taken care of even though the accidents weren't my fault.

November 2009 just 7 months later... My only "at fault" accident. Rolled my Yukon while driving 35mph around a bend near Kooskia Idaho. SUV was totaled... no one hurt and I actually made money on that one. After that though I was thinking what in the world does the driving world have against me... errr or am I really a Target... like in one of those spy movies... is somebody after me *cue suspenseful music*

Well I had put all that scary target voo doo behind me and had all but forgotten my rotten luck that is until This past November... Kale goes to preschool on a street connected to a very busy road. It can be extremely hard to get out into traffic and well you kinda just have to gun it and get out there. So one day I arrived at preschool only to discover I had read the calendar wrong and there was no preschool that day... Fail #1... so I get to the busy road gun it into traffic reach the top of the hill remember "crap, it's a construction zone" hit the breaks but oops... to late SUCKER... here is mister motorcycle cop...and busted Fail #2 So he pulls me over and very kindly waves the double fine fee for construction zones but as I'm handing him my paperwork I see that I haven't replaced my insurance card since I renewed Fail #3! So he tells me no worries just send a copy of new card in when I pay my $86 (AHHHHHH!)

Exactly 2 weeks later...same time, same place same exact situation. "Hello officer, can I bring you cookies next time since I keep meeting you like this =)" We laugh and he very kindly allows me to explain how difficult it is to get out on the road etc... and again very kindly warns me and no ticket. I swear this is the only nice cop in Ada County! Except my faith in him went down when I saw him pull someone over in the middle of the road and proceed to give them a ticket right in the flow of traffic... ummm ok...

1 month later... On my way to Soleil's school for a class party I am organizing. I have just enough time for everything but I am rushing a little. I see a cop and glance down and drat 44 in a 40. He sticks his arm out his window as he turns on his lights...and starts yelling at me and jabbing his finger at me as if to say "Hey you idiot, I'm in charge here now pull over before I tazer you!" Ok well it felt that scary ...hahaha He pulls me over asks how fast I was going I said 44 ...he says oh I clocked you at 49 and that's pretty much the same...ummm no... ones a ticket ones not... I take the ticket and later schedule a court date to fight it.

1 month later...same stretch of road... at this point I'm setting my cruise control just to drive a block...I'm super paranoid minding all of the laws... two hands on the wheel... I make the mistake of picking up my phone at a top light to view an email. My head looking up and down to check to make sure light isn't green. When it turns green I put phone down and drive. Right after that phone rings... I don't know caller... I make the mistake of trying to dismiss the call and stupid touch screen and my head bobs up and down and then I see lights! At this point no nice words are being thought in my head. I swear Meridian cops get off on giving tickets and have a pool at work to see who can have the most hits on one person...GEEZ! So the officer pulls me over in my daughters school parking lot right at pick up time... fun huh? Swaggers up to my window and immediately lays into me about how I was texting and driving... ummm ...no I wasn't as I try to explain he proceeds to tell me I'm a liar and on and on. When steam finally stops pouring from his fat red face. I explain and he tells me that's the same as texting and driving. I apologize and tell him I just moved into Ada county etc... NO warning.. $126 and yes I set a court date...

So I'm thinking... maybe the "target" voo doo is back and really what's next... maybe I should invest in a bike with a 3 kid trailer? But then I'd probably get pulled over for biking under the influence of children.

;)

I Turned 30... now get off my lawn!

Geez... I promised this post last weekend and now finally here it is.

February 6, 1982 ...I'm sure my mother knows the exact time, weight and length... I came into this world a little red headed baby born in Houston, Texas. The first born of what would one day be 8 children born to Keith and Nancy Simmons.

I don't know quite which direction to take this post... OMG! 8 kids or what life has taught me in 30 years... there are a bunch of random thoughts rolling around in my head. But by now you must know I'm brutally honest and if I offend anyone I will just blame it on turning 30.

For multiple reasons going from 29 to 30 seemed like the year of growing up. Turning from a lot of ideas and beliefs I'd held onto since child hood. Dealing with issues I had buried over the years and just in general cleaning the closets out of my heart and mind. Part of all this was just really really looking inside and starting to figure out what I, Karissa Patterson believe, love and enjoy. Not what my family believes, my friends or my church...but ME. My friend Kate brought up in a recent conversation that the Bible talks about working out your OWN salvation. Not your spouses, not your childs, not other people from church...but your OWN. So that's been a part of my closet cleaning. De-cluttering myself from what I'm expected to do by others and what I do because of my relationship with God. A running theme lately has been paying attention to YOUR self and your heart and TRULY not the things of others because in the end we are all accountable for US not anyone else no matter how big a role we play in their lives.

Another things I've really been working on is fear. All the things I do because I fear something. Fear what others will think...fear for my finances... I read the best post from probably my favorite blogger "Single Dad Laughing" The post entitled "whose life is it anyways" I just want to be real and raw and I'm getting braver about just being who I truly am regardless of the fear of what others may think. I don't really know if it's turning 30 or just the trials of the last year and a half... but I like it. I feel a newness and freedom inside.

One REALLY random thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is how sad I feel at all the young kids getting married. This is probably were I start ducking from rotten tomatoes but this is my blog and my opinion...

I got married at 20 almost 21. I hadn't experienced too much of life yet. I see a lot of kids getting married at 19, 20, 21 and too me I think WOW! DON'T DO IT! Because I KNOW from getting married at that age that no matter what they tell themselves (because of the beliefs we've been taught)a HUGE part of getting married young is to have sex. Yes I said it SEX SEX SEX... Because somehow in my opinion WAY TOO MUCH emphasis is put on this beautiful act. So we go into marriage this young kid thinking that because we did (or didn't) wait for marriage for it that it equals 85% of marriage... that it's so dang important that no matter what happens sex will fix it...that a great marriage is because of great sex. Turning 30... thought here... a great big *insert loud buzzer sound* NO! Great sex is BECAUSE of a great marriage... it's about 10% of marriage and not the other way around... because all too soon there are kids and work and by the end of the day if you don't focus on having a great marriage... and even if you have one sometimes sleep is waaaay more appealing than sex. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE sex...man do I ever... BUT if your marriage is sucky... even the best sex isn't going to make it great again. So here's my 2 cents for all you "kids" thinking you need to hurry up and get married because you want to have sex soooo bad... Wait on getting married if that's your big reason! Go live your life! Go explore the world, the endless possibilities of life, GROW UP A LITTLE! It may not feel like it but you have TONS of time. Get a job, learn a skill, travel, get a place of your own, become a grown-up! Then when you find that person you CANNOT live without...for every reason (not just sex) you will go in with your eyes open.

Ok so I don't want to end on something so heavy duty...so here's the FUN thing I did turning 30 =)

I changed my hair. I've pretty much had the same hair for the last 15 years! So I made the appointment... as the day drew closer my hair stylist kept asking me if I was sure and I said yes yes yes! Her and I both looked at tons of pictures and after 3 1/2 hours in the chair... Here is the result! (sorry it's not better)

Go be amazing! Be everything YOU were created to be! and read this blog post...it just might change your life...

The Bullies- Special Blog Tour on Spreading Love not Hate by standing up against bullying.

 So today along with about 85 other bloggers I am doing a post on bullying.


Bullying comes in many forms...physical violence, verbal violence, cyber bullying etc... It also spans every race, gender, religion and age. It's sad in any form. It's sad for those being bullied and it's really sad to me for those that feel so lost inside that they feel the need to hurt others. So here is my contribution...my personal story of being bullied. (Names have been changed except mine)

In Jr. High the church youth group I was a part of was pretty small about 20 kids at most and the core group was about 10. There were 2 boys in particular that everyone had a love/hate relationship with Ben and John. Ben and John were brothers. the middle children in a strict military family of 4 kids. An often absent father who when he was around was harsh and angry and a mother well...know one really knew. She seemed sweet and loving but also a little frightened. It seemed Ben and John tried to keep the kids in the youth group somewhat afraid of them, but also it seemed like the kids would also try to hang out with them and be part of their "cool group." I for one was never in any "cool group." I was me no matter what... sometimes kids loved me and sometimes they called me goody goody. But one thing for sure after a couple years I'd had enough of Ben and Johns B.S.  They knew I was not a fan of them and their controlling and manipulating ways with all the other kids. One night it all came down...

We had just spent the day an hour away from town at our youth directors house. He had put us to work and then rewarded us with an evening bonfire and hayride. Ben and John once again were at it again and tried to pick a fight with a boy named David. I shouted at them to all knock it off...I'd had enough! "At least fight one on one you big jerks I yelled... this two against one crap is for wimps." WHOA!!! Had I REALLY just spoke up like that... their looks told me I would pay later. Girl or boy they really didn't care...

Unfortunately the hour ride home with one adult as the driver took a turn for the worst. They started in on me right away "So you think your just a great big goody goody...think it's your job to tell us how to fight." I replied only with a glare. For some reason they then left me alone but began berating the girl next to me a couple years younger than me. Ashley immediately began crying as they laid into her about being a little momma's girl that "nobody liked anyways" It was absolutely horrible and I COULD NOT sit there any longer. I leaned over and whispered to Ashley to just put her head down and ignore them... she did so and continued to quietly sob. Mind you this ENTIRE hour ride (which seemed like 10) the adult driving did NOTHING... the older brother of Ben and John did feebly throw in a "knock it off" once, but I was in awe at the pure hate flowing out of these boys mouths... Church kids mind you...supposed to know better, do better, believe in right and wrong and DO IT. Once Ashley had put her head down they took a swing at her and I threw my arm up to block their blow. This REALLY set them off in the verbal sewage.  Most of what they said I CANNOT even post in this blog... but really 14 and 15 year old boys speaking this way to ANYONE is utterly horrible and wrong. One thing I clearly remember them saying is "Your such a good little Christian girl, but while we are partying in hell, God is going to be raping you in heaven." REALLY! Who says stuff like that? Eventually through my tears of both anger and humiliation. I told them I felt sorry for them. That all they knew was anger and hatred... of course they laughed.


When the van arrived at the church I grabbed Ashley's hand and practically dove out of the vehicle. I ran into the building while Ashley still crying went to her mother's car. My mom was there to pick me up and after I explained what had happened she literally kicked a chair across the office. My mom is the most laid back non-violent person I know. Another of the youth directors was there and gave me the typical "be the bigger person" speech...to which I in total anger replied "That's the kind of shit that let's these boys keep getting away with this crap!" Yes I said those words and in front of my mother... but I was pissed!

After all that they boys were banned from youth group for the next year. They could come to church but always had to sit with their parents who as far as I know did absolutely nothing. Ben eventually wrote Ashely and I an apology note while John grumbled something about being sorry.

Ashley's mother and father as well as our pastor dubbed me a "hero" for defending her. Little did I know how much that meant to Ashley who I found out later had already been the victim of sexual abuse by her biological father. I didn't really feel like much of a hero. I just knew I couldn't stand by one more minute and let these boys continue to tear others down.

I'm saddened that it took a 15 year old girl to finally stop them when countless adults could have stepped in long before. NO matter your age you can STOP bullying... don't be afraid... just follow your heart and DO WHATS RIGHT! I'm so glad I did.

To see others stories about bullies...

Time

Although life has been less than smooth the last year and a half as I have stated in a previous post I've embraced MY dream. The dream of being a stay at home mom and actually knowing and believing it's ok and NOTHING more is required of me. I am an Independant Scentsy Director but until my kids are in school all that takes a back seat to them. From about September 1st until end of December my Scentsy business is beyond crazy and along with school activities and holiday stuff well it's a little nutty.

But once January 1st is over I get to take a deep breath and take more time to do the things I  love and enjoy. I've been LOVING not rushing off to go anywhere most days. I've been doing some fun little sewing and decorating projects and trying to post here more than once every never =) But best of all I've just been getting down on the floor and really connecting with my boys. While sister is off at school we snuggle in bed until we are ready to be awake...errr I mean I'm ready. Then we hang out in our pj's for awhile and make a late breakfast. I've been especially conscious and making an extra effort to bring them close and hug them and kiss them and tell them I LOVE them and most of the time they say "I love you too momma" Melt your heart, right =)

In the midst of so much emotional turmoil inside so many families. I really hope and pray that the grown-ups can put their differences aside and simply draw close to their children. If you can't invest in your spouse anymore why not throw your time, talent, attention and love onto your kids. After all they are the greatest rewards that came out of your relationship anyways... and if your kids should remember anything about Dad and Mom...it should be how much time and love they gave them.


So do me a favor... grab each one of your kids at least once today and tell them how much you love and treasure them and give them a big hug! I just bet they will smile and give you one back =)

Surrender

So I give up, I quit, I can't do it any more... Emotionally I'm spent... I felt a little bit like a failure admitting this to myself last week. But then I talked to one of my best friends last night and she used a GREAT word Surrender.


The great thing about this word is that it takes the focus off of me. It doesn't mean I'm a failure it means I am letting someone with more power take over. To me that's God. For much too long I've been trying to make my life work in my own strength. I've tried absolutely EVERYTHING I can think of to make my marriage work. Last week I told my heart it was time to stop. Stop trying and last night I realized it wasn't failing...quitting or giving up. It was simply surrender. Sometimes even though WE try our hardest some things we simply cannot force or control. I simply can't force or control my husband and his ability to love me the way I need to be loved. It hurts yes but it's ok. It's taken me over a year to get to this place of surrender because every ounce of me wants to fight for my marriage. But really when I took that step in my heart and I realized it was time to let go. To SURRENDER completely surrender my emotions, my fears, my efforts... a peace swept in.

Over these last 14 months... small pieces of peace have entered my heart. One item, one challenge, one area at a time. It's like God telling me. You are done striving over that and then He brings peace. This was another area I needed to surrender. It just took me a long long time.

So what's the next step... and here is where I usually am very open but I am going to choose to say it's personal... it's going to be gradual... but I'm done striving and I'm surrendered.

Family Pics

I'm really terrible about keeping up with pics but here is this years pics... courtesy of Tamara Kenyon Photography =)

Klayton is 2 ...

Kale is 4...
Soleil is 7...

A Personal Break Through

Now I realize to the folks I've known for years this may sound a bit mystic and you may think it's crap... But I will say I will not apologize...take it or leave it...open mind or closed... this has been a HUGE step in my soul this week and I hope it helps someone else...and to others it may be just a "duh" moment...so bare with those of us that are slower than you ;)

This last week I went into my counseling session not really expecting much. Not really knowing exactly what I wanted to confront or why I was going.

We spent some time talking about my family, my life growing up and then the counselor did an incredible exercise with me. I closed my eyes and I pictured that little girl who was and still is me. The little girl who is 10. Has a blond curly mullet, crooked teeth, a big goofy smile and is wearing stir-up pants and a polka dotted turtle neck. In my mind she's sad, she's disappointed, she wants so desperately to be approved of to know someone is proud of her to feel loved. She's worked really hard on something and she wants to show it off, but feels like no one has time or cares about it. "What does she want you to know" he asks me... "She wants me to be proud of her, to know she matters, to approve of and admire her. Most of all to make sure my own little girl at home feels loved, approved of and treasured." I cry a lot and she cries with me as I try to quietly tell her what she needs to hear. To tell her she's loved and adored and approved of and she did a great job.
I open my eyes. Makeup running down my face. Blowing my nose. I take a deep breathe and my session is over. I walk out not feeling much different, but as the day and the week progresses. I feel a huge sense of peace. I connect with that little girl. I don't know if I ever had before. But I realize now how important it is. You see she was so desperate for MY approval that she was screaming...looking...begging...pleading for anyone to take care of it... She looked for it in others when the answer all along was me.

How many of us have this and yet we don't realize it. It's like no matter how much we feed and cherish our spirit, our present selves... if we don't connect with every part of us those parts scream for our attention. They can't just be starved and ignored. They must be taken care of and made peace with. And when we align inside... Somehow everything in the present just gets a little more clear, a little brighter... more peaceful.