So I give up, I quit, I can't do it any more... Emotionally I'm spent... I felt a little bit like a failure admitting this to myself last week. But then I talked to one of my best friends last night and she used a GREAT word Surrender.
The great thing about this word is that it takes the focus off of me. It doesn't mean I'm a failure it means I am letting someone with more power take over. To me that's God. For much too long I've been trying to make my life work in my own strength. I've tried absolutely EVERYTHING I can think of to make my marriage work. Last week I told my heart it was time to stop. Stop trying and last night I realized it wasn't failing...quitting or giving up. It was simply surrender. Sometimes even though WE try our hardest some things we simply cannot force or control. I simply can't force or control my husband and his ability to love me the way I need to be loved. It hurts yes but it's ok. It's taken me over a year to get to this place of surrender because every ounce of me wants to fight for my marriage. But really when I took that step in my heart and I realized it was time to let go. To SURRENDER completely surrender my emotions, my fears, my efforts... a peace swept in.
Over these last 14 months... small pieces of peace have entered my heart. One item, one challenge, one area at a time. It's like God telling me. You are done striving over that and then He brings peace. This was another area I needed to surrender. It just took me a long long time.
So what's the next step... and here is where I usually am very open but I am going to choose to say it's personal... it's going to be gradual... but I'm done striving and I'm surrendered.