Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Undoubtedly this time in my life is the most emotional and difficult I've ever experienced. It's pretty easy for me to get down and cry and be haunted by the past and to struggle with hatred towards those that have hurt me and my family.
Sunday Mike Fluech missionary to South Africa talked about bearing one another's burdens... and I was reminded of all those that helped to bear mine. I think that's why emotions crashed Monday... so many thoughts and feelings spinning around in my heart and head. I have to wonder how all of this will one day be a help to someone else. I hope the challenges I'm facing can one day be looked back upon as lessons learned and I'll be able to encourage others.
Speaking of bearing burdens. Yesterday found out a man in our church has days to live... Nothing like crap happening at Christmas time... I found myself weeping for his wife and 2 teenage daughter. As a daughter I thought about all the milestones he'll miss and how they'll be missing him. Graduation, walking them down the aisle, grandchildren... I wept hard for them. I'm very attached to milestones and celebrating them. It crushed me to think of them having those without their daddy present.
So after that I was getting all prettied up to go to the Care2ShareBoise wrap party. I helped along with about 25 other people to advocate for 21 families and get gifts donated for them so they might have a Merry Christmas. (You can read my blog post for them here: http://care2share.posterous.com/a-reason-for-giving ) Anyways so got ready, Aaron came home and we headed down to the party where we were "wrap captains" for the table we sponsored. Mid-way through the evening I get a text from my mom saying my grandpa isn't doing well...probably not going to make it much longer...
CRASH! The joyous mood of the evening was stolen right out of my heart... WHY WHY WHY... it's Christmas! WHY! So every year we will be reminded of when we lost grandpa =( Needless to say I plastered a smile on my face and made it through the evening...but as soon as we left I let it out... so today I am exhausted. I have wild bed head and bags under my eyes and despite 3 cups of coffee all I really want to do is be in bed.
Gosh what a depressing blog post... But this is real. Real feelings, real honest, real life.
Nope it doesn't come around to a happy cheerful line at the end. This is just Karissa here letting you know I feel... and letting you know it's ok to feel and be sad and weep and have bad days or even weeks... Don't be afraid to feel!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Have I been perfect, no...have I grown... yes... Are we BOTH still learning and growing ...yes... and for now it's still one day at a time.
In mid June we all as one family moved into a new home... It was odd at first living back together after nearly 6 months apart... there are still some very trying days... Right now we are learning to be friends again and most of all parenting our 3 wonderful kids.
I don't really know what God has for us tomorrow or the next day. But we are still with his help trying each and every day to become who He made us to be. No...things aren't perfect or even all right all the time...and I have no idea if we will make it... But for now... we try and we fail and tomorrow we try, try, try again...
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words...please don't stop...
Monday, April 11, 2011
I have a lot of things I still need to work through on this journey and although sharing has in many ways helped me and others of you out there... in some ways it has hindered things as well.
So for now I leave you asking for your continued prayers and thanking you for all the prayers that have been lifted up for us... and remember "Trust and Wait"
Thursday, April 7, 2011
It's so hard to give up control... it's not everything in my life or in my marriage but there are certain things that I just feel like if I don't control them myself then they are going to get all screwed up. I am sure we all have those things...areas we don't trust others to handle and so it becomes this constant invisible tug of war between husband and wife.
Someone asked me the other day how they could encourage their husband to step forward and be more of a leader in their family... honestly I don't know why people ask me of all people the girl with the messed up marriage for any advice... but maybe because they see I am in the middle of learning a lot of hard lessons right now and that all my defensiveness is gone...
I told her "what is the one area of your life/marriage that if you let your husband be in charge/control of you are so freaked out that he would mess it up?" She said the same thing that I struggled/struggle with... MONEY/FINANCES
You see my husband had a job for 6 years, bought a home and ran a small business successfully before we ever even met... Yet somehow slowly over time I took control over our finances and money in the name of "helping" him out... and while I do not think that is wrong for a woman to "do the money" stuff in your family... I think what it can easily become is a parent/child relationship... Where one spouse is in charge of everything and the other spouse has to come and ask to spend every little $ for even the smallest thing like a coffee or lunch out.
I had on many occasions messed up the finances and then swore to myself I would fix them up and THEN give them back to Aaron and on several occasions I even "let him" have them only to quickly criticize how he did something and then yank them back.
Finally in all of this mess one day he took them over... it may have been when I told him that I was completely overwhelmed with the idea of doing all of our business taxes this year... I have done our taxes myself for as long as I can remember. The next day he called and told me he had hired an accountant and he needed all our financial info. I mildly freaked out, but inside I felt a huge relief. So since then he has completely taken over the finances. I thought I would be freaking out by now trying to take them back...but you know what...it's been amazing! Does he do things perfectly, no, but by me giving up that control he now sees how much money it really takes to run this family and how even with a budget little things still pop up.
We have a money meeting at the beginning of each month listing out all our bills upcoming and all our income for that month. He gives me the grocery money for the month. I schedule all the online bills and tell him the total. He writes out all the checks for everything else. Guess how many arguments about money we have had since this change? ZERO. When I need gas I text him and tell him I am getting gas. I always have plenty of cash built into the grocery money for coffees and lunch out and I also use my Scentsy money for going out and extras. When we go out to dinner, movie or shopping together... he no longer wonders how we are paying for it... he simply knows and I know too. It's an amazing feeling to give up control and why in the world couldn't I have done it earlier?
So my challenge for all of you is this. What one area are you the most afraid your spouse will mess up? What if you REALLY 100% gave that area to them to control instead of the constant tug of war? Do you have a parent/child relationship with your spouse in ANY area? That may be the area you need to stop controlling...
Wouldn't you like one less source of contention in your life...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Here is just another story and example of God working miracles and how this wife realized her part in helping restore her marriage...
I hope to one day be able to rejoice as she and her husband are now =)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
There are so many ways and so many levels and I feel like I still haven't learned exactly how to communicate to my spouse... I finally KNOW how he needs to be communicated to and what level he longs for but I am still learning how to do that.
For those of you who don't know us well we are in many ways emotionally reversed from "most" husband/wife couples... My husband is very emotional and really needs to be connected to on a deep thinking, emotional level...it's so important in fact that it's pretty much the main reason we are having issues is because of our lack of knowing how to connect ... I on the other hand am content to "know" things are fine and just talk about business, kids and day to day stuff... I say I love you all the time to my husband and of course I care if he says it to me but to me it doesn't determine if he does love me. We are still working on those deeper conversations and I must admit most of them just aren't a lot of fun and involve many tears, but we are chiseling away the rock and digging down deep to where he longs to go and where we NEED to go...
Sex is another area that I feel is an area of communication...I also am very "guy-like there as well... I am ready anytime, anywhere...no song and dance needed...let's just do it... My husband on the other hand needs great conversation, perhaps a back rub and to feel that connection or it just ain't happening... I have finally realized my views on the sexual communication and also how to change them from a selfish action of "you owe me" to an expression of love for my husband. It changes things completely... Because before I would do a lot of things and then expect sex in return... much like I think many men fall into the trap as well of flowers, gifts and being nice just to get sex... and the nasty cycle continues with the wife (or in my case husband) merely feeling used and like sex is a chore... how sad that I wasted 8 years of marriage in this never-ending cycle of struggle...But it's not too late... change is happening!
I received a message from someone today asking about this very subject and I felt really humbled that she was asking and a little afraid as well... I obviously haven't had the greatest marriage... I was living in indifference coasting along thinking things were "ok" so why bother working on it...WRONG WRONG WRONG!
So here is her letter and my response... (names have been changed except mine and Aaron's)
The book we are referring to is "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl
Hope you are doing good. I am holding tight! I read your conference blog, it was great! Thank you for sharing your weekend with me.
I have a question for you. My BIGGEST and I mean BIGGEST downfall for me and Tom as well is communication. I am totally and completely driven by fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings. I have to be careful as is, to not be critical... treat him like a child or really say what I think because we both know how that won't help change the situation.
Alcoholism is touchy enough! I'm a bit stuck and if you are willing to give me some input on how you and Aaron are setting up your ways to talk, I'd really appreciate it. I'm scared to ask for a meeting although I know I have to... I can never say anything when alcohol is in the house because it always goes south...and just our track record is horrible. You just can't reason with an alcoholic. Is Aaron reaching out to you for talks or how do you guys sit down and have those heart to hearts? Tom is like a brick wall and we are completely separated on this issue. He won't initiate it and I get tired of being the bearer of bad news if you will and then I just blow it off.
I have a lot on my plate to discuss with Tom but its going to take time I know and to do it in a loving and non-judgmental way will be hard. I obviously need the Lord to guide me there.
Any tips you might have would be great.
So far I love the book but I'm only 3 chapters in. I don't get personal time to read it and Tom sometimes mocks or judges me for my choices so I do it in private time but I don't get private time. The biggest part that has stuck out for me is the part where when we feel sorry for ourselves and we ask God "why" he didn't spare our pain. God didn't spare himself pain when he sent Jesus to the cross so why wouldn't he allow us to experience the same ... WHOA!
Tom finally discovered the book and looked at it. He won't tell me his thoughts but tests me with "well what is this?" but he's aware of it so I'm going to try to talk to him about my boundaries. I need to learn the discipline of my "do diligence"
I guess right now for me since reading the book I just try to apply the truth to me and eventually my changes made him curious and that opened up talking. I guess the biggest thing is they totally expect us to be angry, hostile and reactionary and when we aren't NO MATTER WHAT then it slowly opens things up so they don't fear our replies. It's about total acceptance and non judgmental and unconditional love even if we totally disagree with their choices. Also we have been going out more together and sometimes being in a public place helps because then no one can blow up. I am praying for you both. But trust me you apply the changes to your heart and his stuff will come. It's going to take a ton of time in both your marriage and mine. Just pray for your pain to glorify God and someday be an encouragement and help to others regardless of the outcome... Get up and live tomorrow...
If any of you have some godly input on this for Sarah please feel free to comment =)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Also to those of you hurting and going through similar situations. Thank you for sharing with me your stories and that you are encouraged by reading my journey.
I am so humbled and blessed by you all...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What if every morning we just got up and decided to live that day... not worrying about the future or being a slave to the outcome of a situation?
What if we did this for the rest of our lives?
I keep coming back to this because every time I am in a "freak out" or my husband is in a "freak out" I keep telling us this... Tomorrow... Wake up and live that day!
How easy it is though for us to get so caught up with the future that we forget to take hold of today which is really all we may have anyways... We waste so much time putting time lines and expectations on ourselves and other people and we forget that today is a gift from God and we can either waste it with worry, self pity and stress or we can make it great!
I've told you before that I start each day by asking God for courage and strength to face whatever happens today... I do this because anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am by nature NOT a patient person... when a problem arises I want it fixed yesterday...I want an answer NOW and I want it to be clear and factual and smart. I tend to think from what is right and what makes sense and often times I forget to tap into my heart.
That brings me to the "Weekend To Remember" conference...
It was amazing... now don't get me wrong it wasn't amazing because of the results...it was amazing because of the heart behind the speakers... they weren't just filling us up with facts...they really put their personal stories and heart into each part of the conference.
It was broken up into 10 sessions- It was a very emotional and overwhelming weekend for both of us and I think a lot of things collided together Monday as I know we both had a very emotional day. I started reading another book today and for what we are going through it said the average time of repair is 18-24 months... Which seems like eternity to this impatient girl here...
But really I have to ask myself do I want to continue indifferent and not fixing things or do I want to fix things now and move on towards a better future?
So back to the 10 sessions.
#1 Why Marriages Fail... The main thing I got out of that session was false expectations, selfishness and superficial motivations such as feelings and the seduction of our culture that we DESERVE complete fulfillment and perfect happiness... but what is that happiness based on feelings or reality... One MAJOR nugget came in the last 20 minutes...
"Act your way into a feeling, don't feel your way into an action"
Session #2 Can We Talk
One thing I really liked was they had categories based on people not on gender... I think a lot of times genders are categorized and it's been super frustrating to us because we are opposite the gender stereotypes on a TON of areas...
With this session I vowed to be LESS of a communicator to others and more of a listener to Aaron and to listen without judgement and WITH total acceptance for him...
"Every Wise Woman Buildeth Her House, But the Foolish Plucketh It Down With Her Hands"
#3 God's purpose for oneness
Talked about if we are not working towards oneness we are working towards isolation from each other... To me I am amazed how just my indifference and not thinking we needed help really did lead here...
A major part of this section was UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and ways that we can spend time together so that we have mutual interests.
Also talked about recognizing that your spouse is not your enemy that we wrestle not against people but spiritual forces. I also got from this part that when we KNOW we are owning our OWN sin and doing what we ought to do we gain joy. When we don't defend each other then we defend ourselves and become defensive shifting the blame and driving us apart.
#4 From How to Wow
Talked about establishing complete INDEPENDENCE from your parents so you can CLEAVE to your spouse... to form a permanent bond and stick like glue.
Receiving our spouse as a gift from God not based on their performance and so we love and receive them no matter what they do. Our weaknesses give our spouse an opportunity to be needed if we were complete on our own we wouldn't need them.
Fellowship with each other will not be right until our fellowship with God is right.
The nugget: RECEIVE don't just accept your spouse which to me is a huge difference!
#5 God's power for Oneness
In this portion they gave the gospel and invited those not trusting Christ to do so =)
I got from this ...Who can change me? Not me in my own power but truly letting God in and letting Him change me.
#6 Conflict Survival Guide
Boy I have a million notes on this section...
-The goal of marriage is not to be conflict free but to handle conflict correctly!
-Seek and Grant Forgiveness
-BOTH husband and wife need to be committed to oneness to resolve conflict
-Don't become numb and used to problems ...take care of them!
-What can you do to wrap your confrontation of issues in love?
-Treat your spouse as good or better than a stranger
-Set your spouse free from the debt of the offense no matter how bad it is!
-Let your spouse be real and accept them!
-To show grace hurts but it is beautiful as it heals
-Don't stir the pot just to feel better, take it to God first.
#7 Sex from God's perspective
Ok we are being real here... this is my #1 area where I have had MAJOR misconceptions and treated it wrongly... I am very much like a guy in this area and it's hard for me to see the emotional side of it...
In this part they covered all the aspects...physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and Aaron and I talked later about each area and what we need from each other. It was the best talk of the entire weekend and I think we cleared up a lot about how we view things.
#8 Woman to Woman (at this same time the men were getting "Man to Man"
I always thought I WAS submitting but really I wasn't LETTING Aaron lead... I always was wondering why he wasn't leading more in an area but realized I was being so controlling that it was always a fight.
"A wise woman buildeth her house but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands"
That's my MAIN weakness...my mouth... and it's no wonder ...Our husbands need US to be that safe place that they can come to without worrying that we are taking their openness and transparency and using it against them later... this was my take away from the weekend of my MAIN thing to strive for...to be that safe place. With unconditional respect and love towards him.
"We can be the wind in our husbands sails, or we can suck it right out"
She also talked to us about how we are like coal... but with time, heat and pressure God is turning us into diamonds! =)
Session #9 How marriages thrive
BY habits... Extravagant love, generous forgiveness and enthusiastic encouragement.
Placing your spouses needs above your own.
The weekend NUGGET!
"Act your way into a feeling, don't feel your way into an action!"
Forgiveness... 70 x 7 ...this leads to a bitter FREE marriage, offered quickly, applied freely, expressed graciously and KEEPS NO RECORDS OF WRONGS!
Encouragement- Avoids critical words and GOSSIP... leads to authentic unity.
Focuses on patterns instead of events.
Session #10-Leaving a Legacy
Don't wait for your spouse to act... Do what God expects of you.
Persist through the attacks of Satan and remember that you are not responsible for your spouses choices.
You can live your life... Indifferent, Indulging or Investing.
I can pass on a curse or a blessing to those I may never know.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Some good things happened out of it and one of them is my relationship with my dad is now mended =) We have never been close and different things have happened over my life that have left me angry and bitter at him...
But through this marriage difficulty I have been praying that all relationship wounds would be mended and one of them was my dad... We have actually been talking and listening to each other and I know he is one of the greatest prayer warriors I know.
This post is a bit distracted because I have a 2 year old little boy on my lap =)
So 9 hours each way and I went in a dark mood and came back with a hopeful spirit.
After much prayer over the last 6 weeks and 100's praying with me Aaron and I were able to attend the Family Life "Weekend To Remember" Marriage Conference here in Boise.
I will post a lot more on that later, but I just want to thank you for your prayers. I have a heart and brain full of godly principles to put into practice. It was emotional weekend and what will happen from here on out remains to be seen...
Next post much more about the conference...for now I need to go play with my kids =)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I guess part of being real and raw is showing that even though major things have changed in MY heart in the last month...it doesn't mean that I don't still have what I call "angry days" and it doesn't meant that these days are wrong. Because they are what they are.
I usually call my mom and maybe a friend or two when I am having these days and I usually warn them that "this is an angry day." Because they know my purpose is just to vent and I am being completely emotional and angry.
I feel like I have been in this since Monday afternoon. I knew my period was coming any second and a trip to the "woman doctor" just set me off.
For you that don't know there is a lot of "dirty details" that I leave out because I am trying to keep this focused on what God is doing in ME... if and when the time comes that Aaron and I are re-united we might do some more sharing of his journey but until then...
So the woman dr visit included some test for various things all of which I am relieved turned out "normal"... so no I am not hormonally off or anything else so that is good to know ;)
Then yesterday Aunt Flo arrived bags packed and ready for her very annoying visit and proceeded to throughout yesterday and today make me cry about every little thing.
I told my mom I think Satan really has been at me the last few days and she reminded me that he comes at us EVERY day but sometimes we just aren't wearing as much armor and that reminded me that I hadn't had my Bible reading and prayer time yet today.
But honestly we can't blame everything on emotions and hormones. Yes we are women and yes this time of the month can really throw us off. And then too I just know I hadn't taken the time to slow down breathe and talk with God.
I feel like this week all the thoughts and feelings and doubts and fears are really plaguing my mind and like I keep mentioning I have been crying almost non stop. It's days like today that I really want to do some actual harm to a couple people and to scream and shake my husband and tell him to wake up. To yell and ask WHY GOD WHY! To throw a fit and be impatient and just want to know when the pain will end and when oh when will I know the answers to all the open-ended questions...
But I didn't do anything except cry and talk to Aaron (oh and I ate chocolate)... sometimes those tears can open up some really ugly wounds but they also can produce some good talks of things that need to be discussed.
We are both seeing counselors. I think we will for a long time no matter what. I would encourage anybody to just go in for a "check up" ... It's good to cleanse your soul and talk to someone who can help you sort through the junk you have been stuffing down. And don't try to tell me that you have nothing to talk about ;)
Tomorrow I head with the kids to Montana to visit my family and friends for spring break... more than anything I am needing to get away from daily life around here to break free for even just a week and have the love and support of people who have known me for all or most of my life.
It's so important to have that support and really I didn't know how many amazing friends and how wonderful my family was until all of this. So don't take for granted those that love and care for you... because in your moment of greatest need... you can be surrounded ... or if you turn your back you can be left all alone.
Friday, March 4, 2011
So many people ask me what he's doing or how his walk with God is or what I am going to do to make him "prove" before...
And my answer ...absolutely nothing and it's none of my business...
I can hear the gasps now... well what if...and but, but, but...
IT DOESN'T MATTER ...
You know why it doesn't matter?
Because God is Aaron's Holy Spirit and Conscience.
and really why do we worry so much about what other people are doing anyways? I know he's my husband and I know he doesn't live with me and doesn't tell me what he is doing 99% of the time...
But I have learned something... People are people and they are either going to listen to God and do what's right or....wait for it.... they WON'T *GASP*
And me as a wife getting the heck out of the way and letting God work is actually much more productive than all the freaking out, name calling and yelling I did for the 3 months before February 13th...
I think this is what letting go really feels like... easier said then done believe you me... but once I finally did =)
So maybe all this good isn't Aaron changing at all and maybe things won't work out... who knows...
But I do know that ME being truly happy has left him wondering "what in the world" and "how long will this last" and I am sure he is just a tad curious too...
I have been accused of being Naive, "Acting" like the bigger person and bullying people into getting my way... and yes while all those are things I have done...
That's not why I blog. I blog because somewhere someone is going through the same crap I have and I read many things along the way that either confused me or helped me.
So all I am doing by this blog is sharing raw and unfiltered... my heart and it has nothing to do with being a bigger person... It has EVERYTHING to do with having a relationship with a BIG God...
If any of you out there are searching for something... I encourage you... contact me... I would be so willing to share how you can have the relationship =)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
But there seem to be two types of people that are the most noticed and talked about...
The Quarterback and the Cheerleader...
Their can only be one quarterback...calling the plays and leading the team in the game. How would it look or be if the head Cheerleader kept running out on the field and trying to tell the quarterback which plays to make or worse yet AFTER he called the play running in and giving a different one... it would be a mess wouldn't it and the cheerleader would look like a fool...
But how many of us do this every day in our marriages?
I know I was... You see the world tells us women that being a "cheerleader" is flaky, demeaning, prissy job...and that really we should be out trying to be the quarter back. The bible however tells us that we are to let our husbands lead our team and being a cheerleader is a super important job.
What if the cheerleaders stood on the sidelines and cheered for the OTHER team or what if they cheered and then went over to the crowd and talked about the team and how awful they are? Kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it?
But every day we have a choice to stand on the sidelines and cheer for our quarterbacks and tell the crowd how amazing they are and pump them up! Because just because we are cheerleaders doesn't make us any less a part of the team... and who do you think the quarter back comes running to after he leads the team to a win? His cheerleader! Because when he leads the team...EVERYONE wins =)
So who cares if you don't like sports or think my cheerleader analogy is shallow... I don't but it's the same comparison I keep giving when I talk to my husband about what is going on inside me.
I tried for too long to compete for that quarterback slot... instead of listening to God and to my husband I listened to the worlds idea of what I should be... I always felt like I needed to somehow contribute financially to our family and while this is not a bad thing it doesn't define my worth to my family... I finally got it and instead of running out on the field trying to compete I am now happily on the sidelines cheering on my quarterback...
Last night we were talking and as I was telling him how incredibly happy I am and that it has NOTHING to do with him... I was crying...isn't it funny how we cry whether happy or sad? How when we find REAL happiness that it has nothing to do with other people but finding our happiness right where we are at and finding our worth in who God created us to be.
I'm happy... I was Created to be Aaron's Help Meet and to be my kids mom and I'm so happy and if I never have any other "success" in the world's eyes it doesn't matter... phooey on them... I am happy being the cheerleader...
My husband reminded me last night that this is all pressure I have put on myself...and he reminded me that "You are enough just being you, the complete package"
I replied "well let me remind you of that as well that YOU are enough just being Aaron and I accept and love you for who you are no matter what"
The biggest thing I learned from that book is we are NOT our spouses Holy Spirit or Conscience and we waste a lot of energy trying to fill those roles when they just aren't for us to do... and it sure feels freeing to FINALLY be completely out of God's way so HE can be those things for my husband...
So how about you? Are you interrupting the game by trying to compete with your quarterback or are you happy cheering him on while he leads YOUR team to victory... because if you are happy in the role God designed you for... the quarterback shares his win with you!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
There are the usual... brush teeth, take a shower, get dressed, do hair, eat, take care of kids etc...
There are the ones that are not so good that we wish we could break... smoking, swearing, yelling, impatience, gossiping, bad attitude, being quick to judge or too quick to speak, over eating
*note I don't do everything listed so stop freaking out...lol*
The ones we wish we would... read bible, pray (like actually get down and pray) do more with our kids, our spouse, our friends, be kind, be generous, be joyful, love more, hit the gym... etc...
I am sure like all of you there are some that come easy and some that don't and some that matter to others and some that only matter to us.
I've developed some new daily things and I can tell you they didn't come easy or really because I chose to do them...they came first out of necessity and now I can say I truly find peace and joy doing them... and yes I sometimes still don't do them but 95% of the time I do...
The first thing I do when I open my eyes is I smile and I ask the Lord to give me a joyful heart and a good attitude.
When I shower I have started the habit of that being a time of prayer... let the conditioner soak in and get down and pray for whatever... I usually start out by thanking God for a fresh new day and asking Him for the strength to get me through whatever the day holds and to clean up my mind and heart so that when I speak it is good and not evil.
Sometime throughout the day...usually while kids eat breakfast or at nap time or as late as after kids are in bed... I take time to do my Bible reading... a Proverb, a Psalm and a couple other places...
If I do any running around in the day I take along a book currently "Created to Be His Help Meet" as well as a notebook and pen... so if I spend anytime waiting anywhere I can pull it out and get in a few pages and take some notes... If I don't then I read before bed.
The other thing I've been doing is choosing a specific thing ....anything like washing your hands or using the restroom....stopping at a stop sign...to quickly pray for my husband and kids...just something that you do a lot of during the day...
At night Soleil and I pray together and sing...which we have done since she was born.
I also have started praying in my bed until I fall asleep...I wake up a lot at night and I use those times as well to pray myself back to sleep.
I'm not saying ANY of this to make myself sound like some spiritual person who thinks I am so great...
I AM telling you because these are things to my shame I NEVER got into the habit or if I am being totally honest...never really cared to do... I would start every year out resolving to pray more, read my bible more etc... but it never stuck... In my life I see why... because with anything for me if I TRY in my own strength in my head... It doesn't last... I've TRIED to be nice...lasted at most a week...TRIED to not be angry...lucky if it lasted a day or two... TRIED to be a good mom...blew that...TRIED to be a good wife... uh you see where I am going with this?
ME I SUCK! BIG TIME!
There is something VERY different about when God flips that switch in you...that changes it from being YOU in your head...to GOD in your heart... it doesn't mean your perfect...that you never mess up... but for me it seems like instead of a constant battle it flows much more freely...
and all the things I listed... they are flowing now... yes God had to SPANK MY HINEY big time... but I can truly say that I feel a new joy and peace that I haven't enjoyed for a very long time... and filling up my life with these things... I just don't seem to have as much time to have a bad attitude, complain, be angry or unkind...
Does this mean I never will again...probably not, but I wanted to let you know what's GOD is doing in my heart so you can be encouraged that no matter how many times YOU try and fail... GOD never gives up on US... HE is waiting patiently...and for some like me HE just has to be a lot more patient with...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
You see in all my anger earlier on I said and did some things that are going to make coming back to church for him really hard... I so regret those things... *Edited to clarify... OUR church is 100% supportive of us, our family...our marriage and would welcome him back with open arms... What I meant by really hard is that had I not been such a big mouth it would have been easier as far as what he thinks people think... everyone at church has told me they are praying for healing and forgiveness.*
Just now I got out a copy of each of his books and I opened them up to the dedication... The first one says "For Karissa, the love of my life and my best friend" the second one "A thanks to my Wife who puts up with my two natures"
So why am I talking about this you might say it makes no sense with my title...
I think it would be good for all of us to write down some of the the things we want to say... sometimes that would be better than saying them to whoever and the risk of damage that could take a long time to repair.
But then there are little things that we don't say and then wish we would have to a spouse, a friend or a loved one and sometimes they are gone in one way or another before we ever get that chance...
I mentioned the dedications because they are in writing for thousands of people have read them and every time a copy sells... someone else sees those loving words my husband wrote... and I just never really appreciated fully until now. How many times have angry words escaped my lips and can never be brought back compared to how many times loving words have come out those same lips.
It's time to tip the scales and let love come forth again...
So here it is for whoever may read this...
I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Life with him has been a crazy adventure...twists, turns, hills and valley's and the Lord has never left us...
I told him early on in this mess... "We have been through richer, poorer...sickness and health... this is the better and worse part...and the worse can be so much worse"
I also watched Fire Proof and if you have never seen it I highly recommend it... and although I have been AWFUL to my husband and said HORRIBLE things that I can never ever take back... One thing keeps bringing me back... "You NEVER leave your partner in a Fire"
One thing I am so thankful for is that it seems that no matter what fires we have been through...we take turns being the one who doesn't leave their partner... sometimes it's him and sometimes it's me...but we are rarely down together. I think that's what God intended marriage to be... One falls the other doesn't run away no matter how far down the fall is. They are there waiting.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
It's called "Created to Be His Help Meet" By Debi Pearl
If you decide to read it you REALLY must go with an open heart and prayfulness because it's a "hard" read yet I have found even in the few chapters and couple days of owning it that her advice really does help...
Is it possible that we as wives hold such great power? Is it possible that unconditional love and respect towards our husbands can really provide such amazing results... Time will tell in my case... but in the many letters she gets of wives rejoicing because they read, they listened and most importantly they OBEYED...
Is it possible that we hear over and over what we should do and what we should not do and we see others living joy filled lives because of obedience to God and we see others live pain filled lives because of disobedience and yet I myself just didn't "get it"... until now...
Is it possible that God in me makes "trying" to love my husband unconditionally...not like trying at all... See before I tried to do this and I tried to do that to not react to situations and to put on a smile... BUT did you see all the "I" in there... Something about the last 2 weeks ...a change in my heart... has made loving him flow naturally... and it's not about what I deserve or he deserves ... because we ALL deserve one thing... HELL...
Is it possible that I am finally seeing how Jesus is my true example? Is it possible that trying to be like him as much as possible opens my heart to love, forgive and eventually forget the hurt? Is it possible that even the world says "get rid of him" "you deserve better" "there are other fish int he sea" that even though even other Christians think I am a door mat or lack self-respect... Is it possible that really all I am doing is a tiny fraction of what Christ does for us every day?
See for several weeks I had trapped in my mind that IF things were ever going to get better or work out with my marriage that HE would have to do this and this and this and God would have to change HIM and HIS heart... But last Sunday and from reading God's word and this book... my heart has changed...and HE can tell a difference in ME trying and GOD flowing through me...
Is it possible that what we hear all the time about working on yourself and allowing God to change MY heart can really make all the difference...You see back to being like Christ... WE are the ones who hurt our Saviour (our spouse) all the time... and does he ask us to change to clean up our act to win HIM back? No. Is it possible that I can see the example my Saviour set for me and how our Lord seeks to win US back... IS it possible though I have been hurt that I can do the winning? Through being the wife I should have been all along and was too stubborn and selfish to change?
Is it possible?
With God ALL things are possible... and although everyone around you may think your a fool... God honors obedience... and even in just one week of having a changed heart... I've seen it...
So who knows... God does... and NOTHING is more important than this day...
What can you do?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
So looking through yesterday's history I see that Aaron visited the site as well and so I read the article that he had taken a look at and I was REALLY appreciative of what the guy had to say...
So it's for guys by a guy so share it with the guys in your life and it's an AWESOME read for us women too...
Monday, February 14, 2011
I don't even know why I am surprised anymore but I continue to be AMAZED...
Yesterday was no exception...
Walk into church expecting regular old Sunday School and low and behold we have a special speaker and we get to split up ladies and men (I LOVE these times because we get stuff especially for us girls and likewise the guys get stuff just for them)
So the first thing I notice about our special speaker is she has beautiful blond hair and her nails are nicely manicured... I appreciate that because I love having nice nails even if they are fake...anyways...
THEN she scores with all of us by passing out bags with CANDY in them...oh the smiles =)
SO she proceeds to teach us about how we are like the 3 candies in the bag...
M&M's- We are all different just like all the colors...there are plain, peanut, coconut, pretzel, peanut butter and many more... But we are all part of the body of Christ... (now here is where I REALLY started listening)
The shell on the outside of the m&m is God... during the trials of like we just need to cling to God and let him protect us and be with us...
The cry Baby- Is bitterness and anger (ouch) ...pretty easy for me to be that one right now... to hate the ones that have hurt me and hold it against them forever... But really trials CAN often times be for our good... to grow as a person or actually save us from worse hurt... i.e. ever run late getting out the door and be all upset and then PASS an accident that happened only moments before...? Aren't you glad you had the "trial" of running late?
The last one was laughy taffy- She talked about being a fun person... being someone that your kids and spouse WANT to be around because you know how to have fun... so to me this meant "LIGHTEN UP ALREADY" It's so easy for me to get focused on the things that "need" to get done that I forget to just take time to have fun with my kids and my husband...
BUT the big thing that got me wasn't even something she talked about...it was what was right across the page from the verse she read us in Romans... and this is what it said...
17Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
AND IT HIT ME RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.... Now God over the last few weeks has been bringing parts of this passage to my mind but I hadn't really known where it was found...
During all this I have been VERY Angry and many people would say "rightly so" BUT when I read this I realized something ... NO MATTER WHAT... I need to obey this passage... NO matter if it brings my husband back around and a miracle happens in our marriage or if we end up parting ways... Obeying this passage IS going to be a good thing...
The first thing I did to obey it was buy my husband's favorite candy ...it even came in coconut which is a HUGE plus... and when he walked in this morning to pick up our daughter for school... I was there... BIG smile and I handed it to him and told him "Happy Valentine's Day and gave him a hug and told him I loved him" (I thought he might mess his pants)
I went upstairs to help Soleil finish getting ready...after they left I noticed that the new decorative sign I made was hung above the TV... I can't reach it so I had put it in the corner... He NOTICED and he hung it... which may seem like small stuff but normally it is like pulling teeth to get him to hang ANYTHING... so me not even mentioning it... is AMAZING...
So anyways... long post but I want to share even the small victories =)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
So it's time for me to get back to blogging and maybe just maybe some of what is happening to me will be a source of help to you...now or maybe in the future...
We all tend to live in a bubble ... a bubble of "our own little world" and for me my bubble burst in mid-November. My husband of 8 years announced he never loved me. Hmmmm... I don't really believe that.
My initial shock wore off, a ton of other crap happened and it got really really ugly and now here we are 3 months later... He moved out two weeks ago... He needs his space...needs to find out who he is... needs to figure out what's best for him.
And in my head I am screaming... "what about me and your kids? Does anyone matter besides you?" "What about God? What about what the Bible teaches?"
"You don't get it" he says to me... no I don't and I probably never will.
and you know what I do about all of this...what can I do really? Every morning I pray for strength. I pray to not be angry, to show my husband unconditional love regardless of what is happening... does it happen...some days and some days I screw up by 10 a.m.
So what's going to happen?
I have no idea... but NOTHING surprises God and He sees the end of this even if I can't...
So one day at a time... am I perfect...no...am I trusting God...trying to...
Just Breathe...One Day At a Time...
and the one most amazing thing that has come from this... I have my relationship back with God... have I "arrived" absolutely not... but I am back with my Saviour and talking to him and reading His word like NEVER before...and if that is the only good that comes from it... that's good enough...