Wednesday, March 9, 2011

And then there are days...

Well don't know if I should be blogging considering my current frame of mind and emotions but I did promise a new post soon.

I guess part of being real and raw is showing that even though major things have changed in MY heart in the last doesn't mean that I don't still have what I call "angry days" and it doesn't meant that these days are wrong. Because they are what they are.

I usually call my mom and maybe a friend or two when I am having these days and I usually warn them that "this is an angry day." Because they know my purpose is just to vent and I am being completely emotional and angry.

I feel like I have been in this since Monday afternoon. I knew my period was coming any second and a trip to the "woman doctor" just set me off.

For you that don't know there is a lot of "dirty details" that I leave out because I am trying to keep this focused on what God is doing in ME... if and when the time comes that Aaron and I are re-united we might do some more sharing of his journey but until then...

So the woman dr visit included some test for various things all of which I am relieved turned out "normal"... so no I am not hormonally off or anything else so that is good to know ;)

Then yesterday Aunt Flo arrived bags packed and ready for her very annoying visit and proceeded to throughout yesterday and today make me cry about every little thing.

I told my mom I think Satan really has been at me the last few days and she reminded me that he comes at us EVERY day but sometimes we just aren't wearing as much armor and that reminded me that I hadn't had my Bible reading and prayer time yet today.

But honestly we can't blame everything on emotions and hormones. Yes we are women and yes this time of the month can really throw us off. And then too I just know I hadn't taken the time to slow down breathe and talk with God.

I feel like this week all the thoughts and feelings and doubts and fears are really plaguing my mind and like I keep mentioning I have been crying almost non stop. It's days like today that I really want to do some actual harm to a couple people and to scream and shake my husband and tell him to wake up. To yell and ask WHY GOD WHY! To throw a fit and be impatient and just want to know when the pain will end and when oh when will I know the answers to all the open-ended questions...

But I didn't do anything except cry and talk to Aaron (oh and I ate chocolate)... sometimes those tears can open up some really ugly wounds but they also can produce some good talks of things that need to be discussed.

We are both seeing counselors. I think we will for a long time no matter what. I would encourage anybody to just go in for a "check up" ... It's good to cleanse your soul and talk to someone who can help you sort through the junk you have been stuffing down. And don't try to tell me that you have nothing to talk about ;)

Tomorrow I head with the kids to Montana to visit my family and friends for spring break... more than anything I am needing to get away from daily life around here to break free for even just a week and have the love and support of people who have known me for all or most of my life.

It's so important to have that support and really I didn't know how many amazing friends and how wonderful my family was until all of this. So don't take for granted those that love and care for you... because in your moment of greatest need... you can be surrounded ... or if you turn your back you can be left all alone.


  1. I love you.


  2. Still thinking of you and your journey, Karissa. Enjoy the time with family. I hope it is intensely refreshing.