Daily

Do you have things that you do daily or regularly... habits or what have you...

There are the usual... brush teeth, take a shower, get dressed, do hair, eat, take care of kids etc...

There are the ones that are not so good that we wish we could break... smoking, swearing, yelling, impatience, gossiping, bad attitude, being quick to judge or too quick to speak, over eating
*note I don't do everything listed so stop freaking out...lol*

The ones we wish we would... read bible, pray (like actually get down and pray) do more with our kids, our spouse, our friends, be kind, be generous, be joyful, love more, hit the gym... etc...

I am sure like all of you there are some that come easy and some that don't and some that matter to others and some that only matter to us.

I've developed some new daily things and I can tell you they didn't come easy or really because I chose to do them...they came first out of necessity and now I can say I truly find peace and joy doing them... and yes I sometimes still don't do them but 95% of the time I do...

The first thing I do when I open my eyes is I smile and I ask the Lord to give me a joyful heart and a good attitude.

When I shower I have started the habit of that being a time of prayer... let the conditioner soak in and get down and pray for whatever... I usually start out by thanking God for a fresh new day and asking Him for the strength to get me through whatever the day holds and to clean up my mind and heart so that when I speak it is good and not evil.

Sometime throughout the day...usually while kids eat breakfast or at nap time or as late as after kids are in bed... I take time to do my Bible reading... a Proverb, a Psalm and a couple other places...

If I do any running around in the day I take along a book currently "Created to Be His Help Meet" as well as a notebook and pen... so if I spend anytime waiting anywhere I can pull it out and get in a few pages and take some notes... If I don't then I read before bed.

The other thing I've been doing is choosing a specific thing ....anything like washing your hands or using the restroom....stopping at a stop sign...to quickly pray for my husband and kids...just something that you do a lot of during the day...

At night Soleil and I pray together and sing...which we have done since she was born.
I also have started praying in my bed until I fall asleep...I wake up a lot at night and I use those times as well to pray myself back to sleep.

I'm not saying ANY of this to make myself sound like some spiritual person who thinks I am so great...

I AM telling you because these are things to my shame I NEVER got into the habit or if I am being totally honest...never really cared to do... I would start every year out resolving to pray more, read my bible more etc... but it never stuck... In my life I see why... because with anything for me if I TRY in my own strength in my head... It doesn't last... I've TRIED to be nice...lasted at most a week...TRIED to not be angry...lucky if it lasted a day or two... TRIED to be a good mom...blew that...TRIED to be a good wife... uh you see where I am going with this?

ME I SUCK! BIG TIME!

There is something VERY different about when God flips that switch in you...that changes it from being YOU in your head...to GOD in your heart... it doesn't mean your perfect...that you never mess up... but for me it seems like instead of a constant battle it flows much more freely...

and all the things I listed... they are flowing now... yes God had to SPANK MY HINEY big time... but I can truly say that I feel a new joy and peace that I haven't enjoyed for a very long time... and filling up my life with these things... I just don't seem to have as much time to have a bad attitude, complain, be angry or unkind...

Does this mean I never will again...probably not, but I wanted to let you know what's GOD is doing in my heart so you can be encouraged that no matter how many times YOU try and fail... GOD never gives up on US... HE is waiting patiently...and for some like me HE just has to be a lot more patient with...

Remember the Little Things

Sundays right now are the best and sometimes hardest days... I get to go to church and be with God's people and hear God's Word explained and taught in new ways... That is the best... The hardest part right now is not having Aaron there with us. The kids miss him and ask where he is and I wonder if he misses going with us...

You see in all my anger earlier on I said and did some things that are going to make coming back to church for him really hard... I so regret those things... *Edited to clarify... OUR church is 100% supportive of us, our family...our marriage and would welcome him back with open arms... What I meant by really hard is that had I not been such a big mouth it would have been easier as far as what he thinks people think... everyone at church has told me they are praying for healing and forgiveness.*

Just now I got out a copy of each of his books and I opened them up to the dedication... The first one says "For Karissa, the love of my life and my best friend" the second one "A thanks to my Wife who puts up with my two natures"

So why am I talking about this you might say it makes no sense with my title...

I think it would be good for all of us to write down some of the the things we want to say... sometimes that would be better than saying them to whoever and the risk of damage that could take a long time to repair.

But then there are little things that we don't say and then wish we would have to a spouse, a friend or a loved one and sometimes they are gone in one way or another before we ever get that chance...

I mentioned the dedications because they are in writing for thousands of people have read them and every time a copy sells... someone else sees those loving words my husband wrote... and I just never really appreciated fully until now. How many times have angry words escaped my lips and can never be brought back compared to how many times loving words have come out those same lips.

It's time to tip the scales and let love come forth again...

So here it is for whoever may read this...

I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Life with him has been a crazy adventure...twists, turns, hills and valley's and the Lord has never left us...

I told him early on in this mess... "We have been through richer, poorer...sickness and health... this is the better and worse part...and the worse can be so much worse"

I also watched Fire Proof and if you have never seen it I highly recommend it... and although I have been AWFUL to my husband and said HORRIBLE things that I can never ever take back... One thing keeps bringing me back... "You NEVER leave your partner in a Fire"

One thing I am so thankful for is that it seems that no matter what fires we have been through...we take turns being the one who doesn't leave their partner... sometimes it's him and sometimes it's me...but we are rarely down together. I think that's what God intended marriage to be... One falls the other doesn't run away no matter how far down the fall is. They are there waiting.

It it possible?

I just got in the mail a book that I have heard both good and bad about and although I am only 4 chapters in has helped me greatly...

It's called "Created to Be His Help Meet" By Debi Pearl

If you decide to read it you REALLY must go with an open heart and prayfulness because it's a "hard" read yet I have found even in the few chapters and couple days of owning it that her advice really does help...

Is it possible that we as wives hold such great power? Is it possible that unconditional love and respect towards our husbands can really provide such amazing results... Time will tell in my case... but in the many letters she gets of wives rejoicing because they read, they listened and most importantly they OBEYED...

Is it possible that we hear over and over what we should do and what we should not do and we see others living joy filled lives because of obedience to God and we see others live pain filled lives because of disobedience and yet I myself just didn't "get it"... until now...

Is it possible that God in me makes "trying" to love my husband unconditionally...not like trying at all... See before I tried to do this and I tried to do that to not react to situations and to put on a smile... BUT did you see all the "I" in there... Something about the last 2 weeks ...a change in my heart... has made loving him flow naturally... and it's not about what I deserve or he deserves ... because we ALL deserve one thing... HELL...

Is it possible that I am finally seeing how Jesus is my true example? Is it possible that trying to be like him as much as possible opens my heart to love, forgive and eventually forget the hurt? Is it possible that even the world says "get rid of him" "you deserve better" "there are other fish int he sea" that even though even other Christians think I am a door mat or lack self-respect... Is it possible that really all I am doing is a tiny fraction of what Christ does for us every day?

See for several weeks I had trapped in my mind that IF things were ever going to get better or work out with my marriage that HE would have to do this and this and this and God would have to change HIM and HIS heart... But last Sunday and from reading God's word and this book... my heart has changed...and HE can tell a difference in ME trying and GOD flowing through me...

Is it possible that what we hear all the time about working on yourself and allowing God to change MY heart can really make all the difference...You see back to being like Christ... WE are the ones who hurt our Saviour (our spouse) all the time... and does he ask us to change to clean up our act to win HIM back? No. Is it possible that I can see the example my Saviour set for me and how our Lord seeks to win US back... IS it possible though I have been hurt that I can do the winning? Through being the wife I should have been all along and was too stubborn and selfish to change?

Is it possible?

With God ALL things are possible... and although everyone around you may think your a fool... God honors obedience... and even in just one week of having a changed heart... I've seen it...

So who knows... God does... and NOTHING is more important than this day...

What can you do?

When searching My Computer History...

Ok so I must admit that I often search the history on my computer... several different people use it...me...babysitters and my husband when he is here with the kids... It's just a habit I have gotten into...Anyways...so I have been reading a Blog called "Single Dad Laughing" that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago on a friends Facebook page...

So looking through yesterday's history I see that Aaron visited the site as well and so I read the article that he had taken a look at and I was REALLY appreciative of what the guy had to say...

So it's for guys by a guy so share it with the guys in your life and it's an AWESOME read for us women too...

http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/worthless-women-and-men-who-make-them.html.

And there it was smack across the page...

So really throughout this entire trying time... God has placed people or Bible verses right in front of me at EXACTLY the right time...

I don't even know why I am surprised anymore but I continue to be AMAZED...

Yesterday was no exception...

Walk into church expecting regular old Sunday School and low and behold we have a special speaker and we get to split up ladies and men (I LOVE these times because we get stuff especially for us girls and likewise the guys get stuff just for them)

So the first thing I notice about our special speaker is she has beautiful blond hair and her nails are nicely manicured... I appreciate that because I love having nice nails even if they are fake...anyways...

THEN she scores with all of us by passing out bags with CANDY in them...oh the smiles =)

SO she proceeds to teach us about how we are like the 3 candies in the bag...

M&M's- We are all different just like all the colors...there are plain, peanut, coconut, pretzel, peanut butter and many more... But we are all part of the body of Christ... (now here is where I REALLY started listening)

The shell on the outside of the m&m is God... during the trials of like we just need to cling to God and let him protect us and be with us...

The cry Baby- Is bitterness and anger (ouch) ...pretty easy for me to be that one right now... to hate the ones that have hurt me and hold it against them forever... But really trials CAN often times be for our good... to grow as a person or actually save us from worse hurt... i.e. ever run late getting out the door and be all upset and then PASS an accident that happened only moments before...? Aren't you glad you had the "trial" of running late?

The last one was laughy taffy- She talked about being a fun person... being someone that your kids and spouse WANT to be around because you know how to have fun... so to me this meant "LIGHTEN UP ALREADY" It's so easy for me to get focused on the things that "need" to get done that I forget to just take time to have fun with my kids and my husband...

BUT the big thing that got me wasn't even something she talked about...it was what was right across the page from the verse she read us in Romans... and this is what it said...

Romans 12:
¹⁷Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

¹⁸If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

¹⁹Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

²⁰Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

²¹Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

AND IT HIT ME RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.... Now God over the last few weeks has been bringing parts of this passage to my mind but I hadn't really known where it was found...

During all this I have been VERY Angry and many people would say "rightly so" BUT when I read this I realized something ... NO MATTER WHAT... I need to obey this passage... NO matter if it brings my husband back around and a miracle happens in our marriage or if we end up parting ways... Obeying this passage IS going to be a good thing...

The first thing I did to obey it was buy my husband's favorite candy ...it even came in coconut which is a HUGE plus... and when he walked in this morning to pick up our daughter for school... I was there... BIG smile and I handed it to him and told him "Happy Valentine's Day and gave him a hug and told him I loved him" (I thought he might mess his pants)

I went upstairs to help Soleil finish getting ready...after they left I noticed that the new decorative sign I made was hung above the TV... I can't reach it so I had put it in the corner... He NOTICED and he hung it... which may seem like small stuff but normally it is like pulling teeth to get him to hang ANYTHING... so me not even mentioning it... is AMAZING...

So anyways... long post but I want to share even the small victories =)

A lot has happened ...

I changed a few things in my life lately... A lot has happened... Some that is good and some that is not so good...

So it's time for me to get back to blogging and maybe just maybe some of what is happening to me will be a source of help to you...now or maybe in the future...

We all tend to live in a bubble ... a bubble of "our own little world" and for me my bubble burst in mid-November. My husband of 8 years announced he never loved me. Hmmmm... I don't really believe that.

My initial shock wore off, a ton of other crap happened and it got really really ugly and now here we are 3 months later... He moved out two weeks ago... He needs his space...needs to find out who he is... needs to figure out what's best for him.

And in my head I am screaming... "what about me and your kids? Does anyone matter besides you?" "What about God? What about what the Bible teaches?"

"You don't get it" he says to me... no I don't and I probably never will.

and you know what I do about all of this...what can I do really? Every morning I pray for strength. I pray to not be angry, to show my husband unconditional love regardless of what is happening... does it happen...some days and some days I screw up by 10 a.m.

So what's going to happen?

I have no idea... but NOTHING surprises God and He sees the end of this even if I can't...

So one day at a time... am I perfect...no...am I trusting God...trying to...

Just Breathe...One Day At a Time...

and the one most amazing thing that has come from this... I have my relationship back with God... have I "arrived" absolutely not... but I am back with my Saviour and talking to him and reading His word like NEVER before...and if that is the only good that comes from it... that's good enough...